Saturday, July 5, 2008

Catching up on physical time.

Early on in my transition and before I heard people say that they never felt in their bodies before they made the adjustments to make them into "their" bodies. I never related to this. Until now.

Now hear me out, I have never felt out of my body, I have always felt sort of about where I was. But a time has come to my life where I feel that I am catching up on the physical.

I used to write a lot, think, draw, research, converse. My existance and identity were built around thoughts and feelings, living from my head. These days I am finding it hard to sit down and write or think too deeply, because I want to be moving, inspecting facial hair growth, touching myself, learning all about my body and how it works. I feel like a two year old boy who can't keep his hands out of his pants because he has just realized that he has a little penis in there and wants to know what it can do. A four year old boy that won't sit still to eat his sandwich cause he'd rather race up to the top of the slide and scream all the way down just to hear what his voice can sound like. And in many ways I am that. I am a young boy, getting to know myself physically. And all the changes that have been happening in my body give a constant ability to discover something new. All of this physical time is compounded, the years as a young teen that I never masturbated, the years as a young adult where I was a lazy fucker and couldn't bare to get up for much, well not saying that my laziness has ceased, but the ways I find to fill my me time have shifted. So excuse me if I am not a deep thinking emotionally intelectual individual. I have a whole lot of physical time to catch up on, I'm probably watching the way my muscles flex in the mirror, or debating which parts of my face to shave, or touching myself, or riding as fast as I can, taking physical risks of speed, height, agility that I never would've and probably shouldn't. I'll be ok. Its just a bit of catch up.