Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Dependency

I have a great deal of respect for transpeople who live their lives without the assistance of synthesized hormones. I have tried, again, and again I have found that my stability, comfort and sanity are dependent on a pharmaceutical product. I hate to say it, I hate to know its true. But I also know that I turn into a bleeding, blubbering, emotional basket case when I go a couple of months without it.
The effects were slow. But speed of bodily change is relative, in some ways they were very rapid too. Within the first week I felt more emotional. I felt feelings that I haven't had since starting T. Some of them were refreshing at first. But along with the deep emotional feelings comes a deep feeling of disconnect, and a reemergence with my obsession on gender. I had found a point at which I felt happy with myself, my gender, my gender presentation and how I was perceived (most of the time), and I let that go to attempt to live with out the drugs. I found myself knee deep in period blood and tears knowing that the reversing effects were sending me back down a road I didn't wish to travel.
Experiments sometimes produce effects that the scientists and subjects are less than pleased with. This was one of them. Luckily I have friends around me who are awesome support and can shoot me in the ass when I can't bear to do it myself or live without it.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

just letting you know i read when you update.
xoxo
kat

Kate said...

I know what you mean hon'

I feel the same melancholy over my whole psyche when I'm not on HRT. It's weird knowing that you are dependent on a synthetic chemical to get you through your day/week/life. But I don't try to dwell on it too much, I just live my day-to-day banality and hope for the best :)

I miss you!

xoxo
Kate